freezerburned | IC Contact for Asgard

good for you.

[There's a bitterness that he shouldn't feel. A manifestation of guilt through anger, because it's easier to deal with.

But Isaac pushes it away. He knows what she's trying to do. Somewhere, he appreciates it.]

i feel raw

So do I. I imagine it's worse for you, if you remember.

[she'd said whole, after all. not fine. she's not remotely fine. it doesn't feel like anything will be fine ever again, and she didn't do what he did.]

you killed me

[He remembers that detail, though not quite as vividly as he should. Part of him is thankful for that.]

I did.

[it doesn't look like enough, those words, to encompass the thing itself. but there's no point in not saying it baldly.]

It was the only way to get you back. I'm sorry.

yeah.

[He... doesn't know what else to say. An apology sounds like it would go wonderfully right here, but Isaac isn't sure if he'll be able to stop begging for forgiveness, once he starts.]

[there's a long pause. she doesn't know exactly what to say, whether she's being dismissed or not. but in the end there's something else she wants him to know.]

I don't have anything to forgive you for. You didn't know. You weren't you. They'll probably forgive you. That probably doesn't feel like comfort. It still happened. I knew what I was doing. And why. At the end of the day we're both going to live with the things that we've done. You can be angry with me, for breaking a promise. Or we can call it even enough. Either way, I don't have anything to forgive you for.

i guess we can say that you didnt really kill me. you killed it.

so. you know loopholes.

[This shouldn't be so hard.]

i dont know. theres a lot of things i want to say but i dont know how to say them

[she knows that's not entirely true, and it's more generosity than she feels she deserves. but she's not going to reject it, because she knows what these things cost, the lies that make it easier to keep living.]

Loopholes. Considering the messages I sent you...sometimes it's like poison, you just have to spit it out.

i dont really know who i can- uh, spit it at. Without it becoming a problem

im really freaking tired of problems.

What kind of problem? We've had no lack of them lately.

an emotional one i guess

people dont like it when you dont feel the way youre supposed to about things

I was not aware there was a specific way you were meant to feel about this. How do you feel?

i dont know

guilty when im alone and resentful when they tell me its not my fault.

and then part of me almost doesnt care

does that make me a bad person

No. You're still Isaac. You weren't just Isaac then, but that has little to do with whether you feel responsible. No one else's forgiveness will change that. If you aren't ready to be absolved, little is worse than absolution. You learn to live with the things that have happened, I think. It takes time. I still think that deep down you're a better person than me. This doesn't change my mind.

dunno how i could be. how could i not care about killing all those people? why isnt it bothering me as much as it should?

Because people die. This is a war. Killing them wasn't a decision you made, regardless of whether you remember doing it or not. It's different when you make the decision yourself.

maybe

i dont know. i go back and forth a lot. its pretty normal to feel opposite things about stuff right?

Things like this, certainly. You were willing to absolve me, but not yourself, after all, and I actually made the decision.

what decision? there was no choice

if you didnt i would have killed more. maybe erica or scott

There was a choice. Someone had to kill you, yes. It didn't have to be me. Not everyone agrees with the decision I made. And I'd made you a promise. It wasn't really you anymore, but you still knew that.

[a short pause.]

But this isn't a contest. I think you're allowed to feel however you want to feel about it, for however long you see fit.

who disagreed with you? ill talk to them

It doesn't matter. I already gave them quite a few words on the subject.

it does matter. they should hear it from me

[there's a long enough pause before she answers that it's really obvious she's debating telling him. but in the end, it's about him. he has a right to know.]

Derek.

[He's surprised at that, and it takes him a moment to respond. Of course. of course.]

...ill talk to him then

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